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Imagine this. There you are sitting in a room full of girls that don’t know you and probably don’t want anything to do with ya fuckboy ass. The group has become a circle that you have been left in the outskirts of. It’s probably because you have a penis or maybe because you should have a penis but instead have a metaphorical vagina.
Your crush, the apple of your eye dragged you to this cacophony of gossip and bitching because she said that she couldn’t stand one of the girls/all of the cunts there and needed your “support” and like the good little dog you are, you ran headfirst at the brick wall of opportunity.
You went because you’re whipped, son.
There is a lot wrong with this scenario but we are not going to focus on that. Today ya boy is gonna help you focus on the one big ol elephant in this room.
Imagine that girl you came with, ain’t she pretty.
When you look at her you feel all tingly inside (your pants, probably) her blonde/red/brown hair smells like apples/flowers/pixie farts and her caramel/alabaster/ebony/golden skin looks like it would feel like a silk sheet on the tip of your love sausage…
Now imagine me bending my knees, putting most of my weight in my back leg. Got it? Good.
Now imagine me shifting all the weight from my back leg into my front as fast as possible while simultaneously turning my hip as I straighten my arm and smash you in your stupid lovedumb face with my fist.
This is our elephant today. This beautiful, intelligent(?) funny(?) and witty(?) is the reason you are here with one blaring discrepancy that you probably know already
Wait for it…
You have never ever and probably never will touch this creature in any romantic way. This truth is probably much more painful than that punch you just imagined.
Now you’re probably gonna ask me,
“But Santoz, what do I do, i’m so helplessly stuck up on this girl. Just last week she merely mentioned that she was moving her house and I was there the next day to move all her shit to her new spot. I had to pay the movers as well since they were out of pocket because im such a niceguy for helping her out, not like those shallow assholes she usually dates …oh woe is me, why doesn’t she know that she’s my whole world. Niceguys finish last I guess…”
And on and on you would go…
….and I would just laugh and laugh
But seriously though, I don’t have a definite answer for your “what do I do” fucking query bruh. What I can tell you is 5 things I learnt from being in the exact same pussyass, fuckboy,no pussy position you are in right now.
So lets get started on the path of motherfuckin’ enlightenment shall we, cunt?
1. She’s Probably Already Decided That She Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You
Yep, thats right.
Cold hard truth right thur. She see’s you as a brother now, not as someone that she wants to do the nasty with. Hell, the thought of even touching your penis probably repulses her.
I know what you’re thinking, there was probably a time in the beginning of your relationship that she must of felt even a glimmer of something sexual towards you.
I’m not denying that B, but listen close to what I gots to say. She probably already tested the waters with you and you didn’t even notice your chance, you sleepy muppet.
Maybe she was drunk one time and snuggled up to your neck rubbing her face against it. You, may be sat there dumbstruck thinking you had died and gone to heaven as you came in your jeans.
Then you, being a gentleman (ie. Fuckwit) dropped her ass off and walked your ass back home to the other side of town high fiving yourself mentally for all the “progress” you just made.
Shes probably sitting in her apartment, drunk and deciding your just her BFF now and that you’re probably a homosexual (no hate for any of my gay readers out there <3 yall) She’ll throw up, get in some trackies and flick her bean to Ryan Gosling or something.<br />
Good one Don Juan.
If this situation arises it would better for you to go for it then just sit there like a fucking idiot with his dick in his hand.
If she rejects you right then and there you’ll have all the answers you need without having to do anymore further pussy shit and if she doesn’t reject you, well you can basically go tell Ya Boy Santoz to go fuck himself because you just got yo dick weeeeet. Congrats, you can
stop reading this now.
2. Your Constant Texting/Emailing/Facebooking is Fucking Annoying.
Yall ever have a parent who just had to check up on you every five minutes?
You know when you just chilling or doing something stupid, they always had to pop in on you to find out what the fucks you doing, no matter how mundane or innocent said activity might be.
Like, you could be categorizing your underwear drawer by color and age or some boring ass shit like that and they still want to know every little detail about it like its motherfucking Game of Thrones or some shit.
Well, guess what, thats you right now.
You have become her dad…correction her mom, because you know her dad was able to keep a woman interested in him. So turn that fucking phone/laptop off right now mother fucker before she makes change with your 5 dollar ass, ninja.
You already read it didn’t you? I’ll repeat it for all Ya Boys slower readers out there.
Put.That.Phone.Down …Phones are for closers only, bitch.
And no, I do not mean put it down today and pick it up tomorrow, I mean put it down indefinitely until you find yourself a set of balls G
3. Your Doing The Whole “Being Mysterious And Shit So That She Will Be Intrigued” Thing So Fucking Wrong.
Maybe you read somewhere that girls like the mysterious bad boy and that not talking or paying attention to her will get you on the path towards kamasutra practice with your “one and only, endless love” this is generally true but there is a right way and a wrong way of doing that shit. I’m gonna talk from experience here (just a heads up, all of that shit you just read, that was from experience yo, embarrassing right…Ya Boy Santoz is a wamp wah sometimes) the times when this has worked for me, which seems like ages ago because I haven’t been in a serious relationship in like 3 years, fuck…
Yeah, back to when this worked for me. This worked for me when I had multiple girls on the go.
I’m going to take the time here to apologize to the ladies reading this.
Im sorry gals, but its true, i’m sorry for taking advantage of your sex by being a fucking douchebag asshole. Find out why by reading on though…
Why did this work for me? Because Ya Boy Santoz cultivated a true sense of “Unobtainable” Forbidden fruit status, you could say.
I was always just texting girls late at night/early in the morning or if I was just bored or something and if they didn’t answer or blew me off I just shrugged and texted the next girl, eventually one of them would jump on the chance to jump on me.
I worked at a bar as well so meeting girls wasn’t that hard. I would just rock up, say hello and get numbers bruh, because thats how I used to roll.
When I was out with a girl I would sometimes see other girls I was seeing at the time, I would say hi, introduce them to my new girl and then just walk off…nonchalant without a care in the world.
Fuck I was a cunt but shit was I ever motherfucking successful with the ladies. Ya Boy Knew.
Somewhere along the line, a day, a week, a month later - that same girl I had just introduced my new girl to would text me up/email me/call me/show up at work and want to “hang out” if you know what I mean (IE. “Watch a DVD”)
The important thing here is that she couldn’t have me and I couldn’t care less if she didn’t want me anyway. There was always somewhere else I could be and someone else I could be with.
Now manipulation and games isn’t really my cup of tea but I have to straight up acknowledge that there is something deep wired into the female psyche and loins that just loves a good chase, shit even us boys have it to for fucks sake, and just like us, they hate the fucking clingy and the desperate.
Stop being so hung up on this one girl. Go out there and meet a bunch of girls. You don’t have to have sex with them but for fucks sake go and meet them because absence makes the pants grow fonder, ya heard? Get seen with your crush with all these new girls because if she knows that other girls want you, she’ll be on that shit like a new pair of trending shoes on tumblr my G.
4. She Think You Got As Much Oestrogen In Your System As Her Now, She About To Hand You One Of Her Pads.
Yeah boy, all that doormat shit you have been doing for her, laughing at her lame jokes, paying for her to eat, walking her drunk ass home from that dope party with all the hotties that you probably should have stayed at, picking her up from her ex boyfriends house…
Shit B, I want you to take a big ol’ step back and strap on ya imagination helmet.
Now imagine yourself with long hair and a vagina (not a metaphorical one, a literal one) doing all the things I just described to you.
Ok, good. Now take your hand off ya dick you depraved cunt and tell me what you see besides a sick scenario were you have sex with female you.
If you’re not very imaginative or just plain got caught up in fappin, ima tell you what I seen.
Thats her BFF right there, her homegirl fo life. A bad bitch she can depend on. The shoulder she goes to to cry on, definetly not a dick she wants to grind on.
There is no protip here bruh. Thats it dude, end of the road. It’s game over man Game Over!
But don’t despair, I have a consolation prize for you in number…
…5. You now have an inside (wo)man!
Not only do you have a foot in the door of a sexy room full of her probably/maybe single friends, you now have someone to vouch for your sensitive and caring nature and all that other pussy ass shit you’ve been hiding your punkass behind. You know from earlier, your “Nice guy” excuse.
This could be your time to shine! Don’t fucking blow it like last time dickweed. That smoking hot babe you’ve been dreaming of/fappin to could be right there infront of you! Drink it in homie, this is your consolation prize after all.
Maybe she has finally had enough of the badboys and the assholes.
She could finally be looking for a lady boy just like you!
This is it my ninja…
Assuming you can find a pair of balls and/or a spine.
Go get em tiger
<3<br /> Ya Boy Santoz.
Follow me for more laughs. Just sayin…